PTSD

  I have been thinking about that lately: the contrast between actually being in a war and what people want to do to honor you for that.  When Richard came home, people spit on uniformed solders.  There were protesters and people shouting "baby killers" as they arrived home after their grueling months in the jungle..

On Veteran's Day our sweet grand girls invited Richard to come to an assembly at their school honoring veterans.  A church member called and offered us two tickets to the city choir performance the same night.  Because he actually is a veteran and has severe PTSD, he is very uncomfortable in crowds. Assemblies, performances, etc make him very nervous.  He did go to the school because he loves our grandgirls but it was hard for him and he was very nervous all morning. There were about 30 men of all ages on the stage.  Richard was one of two Marines and most of the vets fixed radios or worked in offices. He was the only one with an MOS of Rifleman.  I am not discounting their service.  We need everyone to support our troops.  But not all service affects the brain the same.  My dad was a baker in WW11.  He saw no action except officers eating his maple bars.  Richard relives Vietnam most nights.  I lay by him and watch him shake and sometimes hear him call out...MORTARS !!!!
 That afternoon I had to call and cancel an appointment for a doctor for him.  Because of the VA in Phoenix who let people die before they were seen by a doctor, the Choice Program was developed.  Richard was sent a card about a year ago and qualifies for the program because he lives more than 40 miles from a Veterans Hospital.   We hadn't tried to use the card all year, but decided to use it for his eye infection.  First I called the phone number on the card.  I got a man with a thick Indian accent.  He was so hard to understand so the call was very frustrating.  We picked an instacare right by our house.  We gave the phone number to the Indian man.  He said he would call them and set up the appointment.  We called the instacare several hours later and they did not hear from him. This program only works by the the Choice Program making the appointment for you.
 No appointment was made.  Three weeks later we got a letter in the mail that an appointment was made for Richard in a doctor's office in Providence.  It is about a half hour from our house.  His eye infection was gone by then.  So I was calling that afternoon to cancel that appointment.  I asked what to do next time when we have something that needs seen right away but is not an emergency. I will spare you the details.  Just know that after my many calls and the run around I told Richard that I understood why Veterans might take their own lives. (28 a day) Richard cannot make those calls.  I make them for him.  I imagine a vet on the streets with no support and the endless red tape.  I was ready to give up. How would it be with a TBI or PTSD and pain with all of that too.

On September 11th 2001, our neighbor put a note on everyone's door who did not have a flag flying.  I understand her patriotism but the reason we did not fly a flag was because the scouts put them in the ground with rebar.  It stuck up a little and Richard was so afraid someone would get hurt on it that he did not pay to have the scouts put the flag in our lawn.  PTSD causes him to be fearful of anyone getting hurt.
The irony of Veteran's Day.  He gets free breakfast or lunch or dinner in restaurants.  His PTSD keeps him from those places.  If he must go due to a family situation he sits with his back to the wall and faces the exits. He is on high alert.  He would never go to a restaurant for pleasure.

When he was classified 100% disabled he was given a card that gave him free entrance to all of the National Parks.  He has cancer ....from agent orange...  He could not drive to national parks much less have the energy to walk around enjoying the scenery.  He can't feel his feet, his digestive system is ruined. Hook worms..... tropical sprue.... agent orange.... yet he watches the news each night and would go again if he were called up to protect us all.  He loves America.  He is a real patriot.  He is not anyone's hero, he does not want any recognition.  I am the only one who knows what he really did for our country and how it affects him still.